The Hooligan Diffuser

Text: Mantis Kane

Illustration: David Foldvari

The career of 90’s industrial band Throbbing Gristle is shrouded in urban myth. Their onstage antics polarised, with a show that separated the wheat from the chaff via self harm, menstrual blood enemas and masturbating with chicken heads. They secured themselves on the very fringes of entertainment, pre-dating even the weird off-cuts of Britain’s Got Talent. As avant-gardists, they pushed back the flaps of acceptability and explored them with asbergery abandon.

 

 

 

 

 

But is wasn’t until an infamous 1980 concert that they solidified their legacy. During an improvised section of random noises and discordant melodies, they inadvertently struck the precise musical frequency to cause spontaneous and involuntary orgasms throughout the crowd. The spectacle was a sonic yardstick, capturing the science communities attention, particularly neuroscientists.

 

Since that gig, the world of neuroscience has regarded Throbbing Gristle as innovators, neurological pin-ups and gate keepers to the no-go areas of experimentation and acoustic alchemy.  Fascinated by the event, many have since tried to unravel that noise, decode and replicate it. Its sonic frequency represents the zenith of human manipulation: to artificially stimulate the most primal of human reactions.

 

And now that frequency has been discovered, bottled and reconfigured, and put to use as a futuristic method to disperse football hooligans.

 

The Hooligan Diffuser (HD) is a police instrument that will soon sit next to the pistol, truncheon and taser on an officer’s weapon belt. But far from inflicting harm, the HD delivers a heavy orgasm, via a sonic canon.

 

The rationale: For a hooligan following a herd of violent thugs, what could be more disarming than being stung by an involuntary orgasm. How unexplainably confusing, disorientating and oddly emasculating. Trying to process the sexual lightening bolt, the inexplicable hot flush, the damp nether regions - ironically it’s a powerful tactic.

 

Scientists have learned that by suddenly flipping the testosterone response from aggression to post-coital levels, a whole stadium of screaming warmongers can be instantaneously silenced. An awkward silence. Like the stilted pillow-talk in the aftermath of premature ejaculation; the hooligans come, then go, very quickly - shuffling off, red faced and pigeon toed.

 

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