Winger App: Dating Just Got Easy
Text: Mantis Kane
Illustration: David Foldvari
In the game of love, words are so powerful. The correct words, delivered in the right order, can unlock belts and loosen gussets. Equally, they can be empty, bumbled and ambiguous; blowing opportunities and undoing meticulous groundwork within a momentary conversational spasm.
But what if you had something to remedy your romantic incompetence, like a hearing aid that amplifies everything into complete clarity?
The answer is Winger App. A real time mentor - the modern digital wingman.
Using a clever online profile grabber, all you need is a potential suitors name, then Winger does the rest. Scouring the net for information, it puts together a romantic strategy and detailed transcript. By analysing their social media personality, an accurate profile is compiled; their likes, dislikes, favourites, flaws, vulnerabilities, food allergies, criminal history, ethnic blueprint, carbon footprint, net worth, royal lineage and favourite emoji.
Winger finds the chinks to exploit and inclinations to pander to.
From the opening line, right down to the deal breaker, Winger feeds the conversational gold through an earpiece. All you have to do is recite. She’ll go weak at the knees as you launch into your love of Nordic flower arranging. And you’ll be equally as smitten when she reveals her secret fondness of pub darts and plumbing systems. The serendipity will be intoxicating and irresistible. A soulmate found.
Whoever the mark - male or female - they’ll think nothing of the earpiece, or constant phone referral. Far from being a romantic faux pas, wearing an earpiece nowadays is habitual as breathing. Right up until the business-end of the date, you’ll be guided by the trusted mentor.
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