Personal Health Ombudsman App

Needing a medical procedure in an overworked and defunded health system requires an elk-like leap of faith or a stone-cold death wish. Unable to oversee the diagnosis or operation, we lie on the operating table entering a lottery, fingers tightly crossed under a makeshift surgical gown of reconstituted potato skins and carrier bags. The theatre staff’s faces tiredly blink in and out of consciousness, anaesthetised by the same makeshift tequila and ketamine mix that’s being intravenously drip fed into your veins via a modified pig’s bladder. ‘It could be you’ –  a giant tired finger prods around indiscriminately, half-heartily trying to locate a problem.

You’re at the healthcare casino and the odds are scary.

Insuring against malpractice on the dentist chair, hospital bed or care home used to be the domain of dusty civil servants or a feedback system based on the trusty Motel guest book. But now there’s the Personal Health Ombudsman App – or PHO. A digital whistleblower with a compendium of every medical act ever performed.

Contained in its code is every medical symptom and procedure ever recorded. The consummate health aid, with an encyclopaedic knowledge beyond anything the human brain can retain.Simply input your health concern and let PHO compute the best course of action. If it can’t be solved via blended turmeric and kale, it’ll oversee your interaction with a health professional, constantly cross-referencing, checking the diagnosis, scrutinising the prescriptions, ready to beam code red if something’s amiss.

If an operation is needed, PHO will be by your side, secretly scanning events, watching every move, ready to override the anaesthetic with a piercing 8bit ringtone and adrenaline sound shock.

As you sprint from the operating theatre, PHO will already be calculating the best alternative. Be it a backstreet vasectomy with a tin-can opener, or a self-administered tooth extraction, it will diligently muster the best solution when everything else is failing.